This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the

  audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever

  had.

  The winner described her worst first date experience. There's

  absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

  She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had

  taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no

  overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met

  before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were

  headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the

  mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not

  have had that extra latte.

  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in

  the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it,

  which she did for a while.

  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came

  a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee

  beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

  They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her

  pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't

  have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender

  to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car

  watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained

  from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt

  despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

  Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her

  buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

  Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind

  as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was

  quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme

  cold.

  Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the situation

  she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with

  a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of

  some assistance"!

  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her

  sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst

  out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed

  to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as

  hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real

  problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly

  cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

  Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first

  place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her

  free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded

  to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

  As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down, or perhaps

  that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was

  embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new

  meaning to being "pissed off".

Submitted by Alfredo

Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short

Submitted by Jen S.

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

THE WASH CLOTH

  There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this.........

  I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

  Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me

  that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just

  packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

  The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any

  time to spare.

  As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene

  when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make

  the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth

  that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that

  area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth  in

  the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my

  appointment.

  I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

  Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,looked

  over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris

  or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when  the

  doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

  I didn't respond.

  After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The

  rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

  After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from

  the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one

  from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the

  sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Smart Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go  fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."  "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.  The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked?

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.

Men will never learn...

Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he
needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a
singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty
took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to
her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would like
to have someone to share it with."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next
day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

All Nude Police Calendar for 2005

The all nude police officer calendar for 2005 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males. Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view. They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers. Click on the site below to view all 12 (24) totally nude police officers.

2005 Calendar

Words of Wisdom

1) When I die, I want to die  like my grandfather--who died

  peacefully in his  sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in

  his  car."

  --Author Unknown

  2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and  you get a

  headache, do what it says on the aspirin  bottle:

  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from  children."

  --Author  Unknown

  3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?

  There's a support group for that.  It's  called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the

  bar."

  --Drew Carey

  4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a

  desirable job, but if you ever get  sucked into doing it, have fun

  with it.   At the end of the night, drop them off at the  wrong

  house."

  --Jeff Foxworthy

  5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an

  infant's life, she will choose  to save the infant's life without even

  considering  if there is a man on base."

  --Dave Barry

  6) "Relationships are hard .  It's like a full time job, and we should

  treat it like one.   If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to  leave

  you, they should give you two weeks'  notice.

  There should be severance pay, the day before  they leave you, they

  should have to find you  a temp."

  --Bob Ettinger

  7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in

  the lake and threw her off the  boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't

  trying to  teach you how to swim.'"

  --Paula Poundstone

  8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal

  skills than men.  I just want to  say to the authors of that study:

  "Duh."

  --Conan O'Brien

  9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....

  I could be eating a slow learner."

  --Lynda Montgomery

  10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.   Bunch of people in New

  York said, 'Gee, I'm  enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just  

  isn't cold enough.  Let's  go west.'"

  --Richard Jeni

  11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators

  would be dead."

  --Johnny Carson

  12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

  --Paul Rodriguez

  13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty

  and that's the law."

  --Jerry Seinfeld

  14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that  in case of

  fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest

  to tallest.   What is the logic in that?  What, do tall  people burn

  slower?"

  --Warren Hutcherson

  15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.

  Monogamy is the same."

  --Oscar Wilde

  16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of

  Congress... But I repeat myself."

  --Mark Twain

  17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At

  least they can find Afghanistan."

  --A. Whitney Brown

  18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the

   dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!

  I never would've thought of that!'"

  --Dave Barry

  19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad  Cow Disease"

  was taken.

  --Unknown, presumed deceased

Submitted by Gayle

Road Rage

Submitted by Melody

The Biker
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his
bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store
and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached
by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live
at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the
anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

" Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to
walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go
down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy Smokes lady! I am carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the
chickens."

Submitted by Killer

No Shirt No Pants

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your pecker is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
 
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
 
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Submitted by Debby D.

Fun Run 2005

I NEED A PERSONAL FAVOR FROM YOU IF YOU CAN
(Hope it's not too much to ask!)
A group of friends are spending their holidays making a "Fun Run"
across the country. They are traveling light and are looking for places
along the way where they can crash for a few days. I thought maybe you could
help out by welcoming them and making them feel at home.
  I took the liberty of giving them your phone number and address.
They leave in a day or so, and you can probably expect them to arrive
sometime in the next 3 weeks To help you recognize them
(I don't want you to be taken in  complete strangers),
attached is their photo.
Thanks.
This would mean a lot to me

Thanks again

Submitted by Marcia

Christmas With Louise
 
 As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
 before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
 they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
 Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
 pantyhose hung sadly empty.
 
 One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
 went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
 Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
 
 If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
 yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
 "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
 inflatable doll section.
 
 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute
 as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during
rush hour.
 
 Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
 models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
 Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
 took a huge leap of imagination.
 
 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
 life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
 morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
 pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and
 drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
 giggled for a couple of hours.
 
 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
 and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
 confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark
some
 more.
 
 We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
 the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas
 dinner.
 
 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
 hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.  I had several
 candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
 
 "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells
 nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into dining room.  But Granny was
 relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"  Again, I could have
 answered but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
 
 My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
 and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him
she was Jay's friend.
 
 A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not

 just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
 might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
 
 The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
 was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
 my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
 hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
 The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
 across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
 resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
 Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
 
 It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
 
 Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
 the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
 a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
 drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.